Die Mouse! Die!

Photo: Rosebud 23, Flickr Creative Commons

I woke up Monday night because a mouse was stripping the meat from my toes. Of course I was dreaming, but that memory kept me from sleeping soundly for the rest of the night. The cause of that dream is an actual mouse, although a much less aggressive individual.

That doesn't change the fact that I want to give the real mouse AIDS and watch it slowly deteriorate as its immune system fails and it dies a slow, miserable death from secondary infections. I would enjoy that very much, actually.

Normally, I'm the kind of guy who catches spiders in a drinking glass so they can be set free outside where they're less annoying. As a kid, I'd catch and transplant the rat snakes I caught stealing eggs from the chickens so they would leave my birds alone but not have to die. I've managed to lose my compassion for the mice, though.

It's not entirely their fault either. I live in an older house, one with all sorts of holes that I'll never find that provide entry to the mice. It's not like we're overrun with them, either. It's just that occasionally one will find its way in and decide it likes the place and they're annoying bastards to get rid of.

The spring traps never seem to work. Too many mice can lick the trigger clean of peanut butter (a really effective bait) without ever setting it off. The box traps work better and even leave the mouse alive if you're the sort to care about the life of something that pooped in your cast iron skillet, but it's difficult to free or kill the mouse once it's caught. Plus, there's nothing more pathetic than the sight of the mouse thatgot caught in the trap you forgot to check for a week. The glue traps work the best, especially the ones laced with sedatives that put the thing to sleep so it won't try to escape or, theoretically, suffer. Disposal is still an issue with the glue traps though. The mouse is not dead and despite my hatred for the furry invaders, I can't bring myself to just throw them in the trash bin outside and let them waste to death. That leaves only less subtle alternatives.

Do you realize how silly it feels to shoot a mouse with a shotgun? Or beat it to death with a shovel? I challenge you to do either of those while maintaining your dignity.

My current mouse has managed to evade even the glue traps, however. I made the mistake of using an old one that wasn't sticky enough first. The mouse got stuck, drug the trap across the room and pried itself free. A newer trap also caught the mouse, but again drug the trap across the room and escaped before I woke up the next morning. The only difference was the amount of hair left behind on the newer, stickier trap. The problem is that these were the sheets, thin cardboard with a little layer of the sticky stuff, so I went out and bought the rat-strength traps, plastic trays and a puddle of sticky goo to entomb him. Problem was the damn thing has apparently figured out the glue by this point and won't come near them anymore.

Maybe I should just burn the damn house down. It'd be comforting as I watched everything I owned go up smoke to watch a tiny mouse dragging itself weakly from the rubble to die of smoke inhalation and 3rd-degree burns. I'd probably pee on him, but only after he expired.

Little known fact. All mice are male. It's because all mice are dicks.