I'm going to win the lottery tomorrow. I'm sure God told me this while I was sitting in the dark with my door closed hoping that no one would come make me cover a class during my precious planning period. I just know that no one else was in the room at the time and I didn't hear any voices.
At least no corporal voices.
So it must have been God. Or maybe it was the baby Jesus before he got eaten by the ice bears in The Golden Compass.
But anyway, after I got through with this conversation with my Lord and Savior that I don't actually remember having (although I'm passionately convinced that it happened) I started thinking about what I'd do when I won. It's currently over $100 million and even after the deduction for taking the cash up front and the taxes, I'd make out with enough that with a little smidgen of common sense and a financial advisor I could die a very wealthy and well entertained man in my late 80s. I think about this a lot, actually, so I've got it planned out pretty much. Maybe that's why God is winning the lottery for me.
I used to think I'd work out my contract for the school year and not leave the school high and dry. At least I started thinking that after I stopped working at the alternative school where I despised the administration as much as the kids instead of like now where I just despise the kids. I'm not so sure that now the time has come that would be the decision I'd make. I might work out the semester to give them a few weeks to find my replacement. I might even agree to come back as a long term sub as long as they agreed to my time limit of no more than one month of work before I quit subbing too. Then again, I might just walk out the doors after checking my winning numbers and go home and go to bed. I wouldn't even taunt the kids on my way out. They'd probably come to my house after school and shoot me for my ticket, and unlike Ryan, I'm only capable of firing off one round at a time in self defense.
What would I do after that? I think I'd start up my comedy career. I'd tell farmer jokes and long humorous stories involving the inherent humor in the information breakdown among the multitude of tribes in Papua New Guinea, and the people, they would love me. They would shout for more and I would tell them a traditional joke from the Khoisan and follow it up with what goes for a knock-knock joke in Tibet. They would try to crown my ass three times and I would push the crown away each time and they would roar in laughter because they would think that allusions to Shakespeare and out-of-work NFL coaches are freaking hilarious.
And I wouldn't even have to give any of my money back to the big guy in the sky because Jesus was gobbled up by those ursus iceus. Sorry, I couldn't find the Latin word for ice. Maybe they don't have one. They're the linguistic foil to the Inuit.
7 comments:
Love that last sentence! And congratulations on your upcoming lottery payout. Maybe if I talked to God once in a while I'd get my just desserts, too. I won't ask for any handouts from you, save one: every time you find what you believe to be your new favorite beer (and I know you'll be scouring the globe), send me a case.
If you didn't already have a job, this would be exactly what about 20 to 30 of my relatives are thinking right now.
Thanks Mickey, I actually learned what a foil was this year while teaching Julius Caesar since Cassius serves as Brutus's foil.
And I was going to buy you and Courtney a house, but I'll just send the beer.
I'm glad I said something. You can't drink a house.
Don't listen to him. House! House! House! (and beer).
I hope none of your relatives hires a hit man to kill you, because apparently that's the kind of crap that happens to multimillion-dollar lottery winners.
I'll be honest, I would be genuinely terrified if I won $100 million, and not just because I think Meaghan's family would try to kill me for it. I'd be truly afraid of the person I would become.
I'm not sure I could convince Meaghan, but I'd be tempted to give away every last penny and just go on with my life.
Oh well, I never play the lottery anyway. Those upper middle class Atlanta kids can pay for their own college tuition.
I honestly don't think I'd change. Sure, I'd work a lot less and travel a lot more, but my entire lack of interest in my social standing leads me to believe that I'd be the same person just with free time and money to use during that free time. I really have trouble seeing you being much different, but maybe I never saw the self-serving, ambitious, manipulative side of you.
I'm not even sure I'd be more materialistic. Basically, I'd have better facilities for my menagerie, brewing, and cheese making (which I would take up with my newfound free time), but the house wouldn't be much bigger (except for the kitchen and office/library) and I don't even think my TV would get much bigger, although I might actually splurge on a good sound system to indulge my love of music. I'd still drive my Prius until it died and then buy another one.
I think I'd be a little happier just because I wouldn't have money worries keeping me from going after my dreams. It's money concerns that keep me from seriously pursuing my education. I don't think I'd have any excuses left not to start filling out applications if I knew I could pay my way through it and not even have to hold down a part-time job to cover my expenses.
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