Skewering the Candidates

I'm really trying to write something funny, or at least light-hearted, to make up for yesterday's post, but unfortunately, my This American Life podcast chose to air a piece about a Muslim school girl's persecution after 9/11. It's a really good piece, which if you've listened to This American Life on public radio before, you'd know to expect, but it's definitely not so conducive to writing something bubbly, so if the following seems a bit forced, you'll have to forgive me.

So here are my humorous criticisms of all the major or noticeable presidential candidates thus far. I do tend to lean pretty far to the left (very liberal on social issues, moderate on economic issues), but I'm going to try to make this as bipartisan as possible.

Now that I've warned you, you'll be seeing liberal biases and forced humor whether they're present or not.

Democrats

Barack Obama: I'm not going to make the jokes about his family connections to Islam or his being half black or his having a funny name very similar in part to that of a famous terrorist leader. I personally find it depressing that there are people who take those things seriously, so I can't find them funny. He's an amazing speaker. In fact, I remember working in the old newsroom, sitting at the copy desk and watching him give his first high-profile speech at the Democratic Convention before the official nomination of John Kerry. Despite the television being muted and my not hearing a word of his speech, I said out loud, "There's our future first black president." Well, maybe not those exact words, but that was close. I really hope that was before Courtney quit the paper and she was sitting there next to me and heard that comment because I really want some verification when it turns out that I'm a freaking political genius. Obama's actually a great candidate. He's got everything Bush lacks like eloquence, confidence, and perceptible intelligence, all without being a total douche that people without million dollar houses can't identify with like John Kerry. Sure Obama owns a house worth more than a million dollars, but the important thing is that the average American thinks that he's like one of them, not that he actually is.

What does disturb me about Obama is the smoking. It's not so much the fact that he smokes (even though cigarettes do disgust me), but the fact that he quit smoking just prior to beginning his candidacy for the office. This suggests that he's willing to give up what he loves for personal gain. What does this say about what would happen if he became president and is offered a bribe or is offered a really posh office to go be the new Chinese premier? Sure, he may love us now, but what about then? I mean Petrino bailed on the Atlanta Falcons for a better job with the University of Arkansas without even finishing his first season and he had to have left a bunch of cash on the table to skip out on those last few games. What can Arkansas offer that China can't? Not a whole lot, that's what. And if Obama regresses and takes the habit back up, we also know what happened to the last president who kept tobacco-based combustibles in his office.

Yes, he did not have sex with that woman. That's exactly what I was thinking. I think it was technically sodomizing.

Hillary Clinton: Again, I'll avoid the obvious she's a woman cracks because I also find it a little depressing that too many people take them too seriously for me to find humor in them. I also think she garners a lot of criticism for behaviors that are ignored or even expected from male politicians. Despite this, I still can't throw my support behind her, but only because I think if we're going to have a woman president, she needs to be hot. I mean what better negotiating tool than to distract other foreign heads of state with the sheer hotness of our head of state. Of course there is that whole age limit problem to deal with, and, sure, we'll need a woman president who is smart enough to outwit Angela Merkel (of course John Edwards would make a perfectly dreamy VP), but it makes our international relations job much easier. I nominate Sela Ward for this. She's old enough to run for president and she's fits my requirement of being freaking hot.

But really, even former first lady Barbara Bush has more sex appeal than Clinton.

John Edwards: You know what? I don't have a whole lot to say here, but could you really believe in a candidate who couldn't even beat a black guy and a woman in two overwhelmingly white states? Sure, New Hampshire is a bunch of durned liberals, but Iowa's the Heart of America and what kind of All-American voter votes for a woman or a black man over a decent-looking white guy? When you're the most popular white male candidate in your party's primary or caucus and you still can't pull out a win, you've got a serious problem. I mean, this isn't Pakistan or anything. A woman just shouldn't be able to win in this country.

Other Democrats: Wikipedia only lists two other active Democratic candidates: Dennis Kucinich and Mike Gravel. First, what more can be said to make fun of Dennis Kucinich? Nothing I can think of without being cliché, so I'll pass. And who the hell is Gravel? I didn't even know he existed, much less was running, until looking this up just now. That's not a good sign when a fairly well-read, kinda-sorta voter doesn't even know you exist. I recognized all of the withdrawn candidates (I mean I was going to make a ball sack joke about Tom Vilsack), but not this guy still plugging away. I did notice that he's a senator from Alaska, however. If you know me, you know that automatically earned him my vote. I don't care I know nothing about his stances. He's from Alaska!

Republicans

Mitt Romney: You know what? I have no problem with his being a Mormon. I'm cool with that. All the Mormons I've met have been at worst dorky and a tad annoying and at best really nice people. I'm not going to go out and join my local Mormon church or anything, but I don't have any more issue with my president being a Mormon than I do with him being a passionate member of any other evangelical religion. What I do have an issue with is that Romney looks like an asshole. Bush looked like an idiot and turned out to be an idiot. Therefore, Romney looks like an asshole and he will turn out to be an asshole. I just don't like assholes, not even my own. I mean, watch him during any interview and just try not to build up the strong desire to reach out and punch him in the nose. I bet you can't do it. He's like one of those business majors in college who were just a little too impressed with themselves for being a business major. With Dick Cheney you saw the smirk and knew he was thinking about eating your children, but at least he was being honest. You see that Romney smirk and you know he's thinking about eating your children and then still acting like nothing happened. That's just duplicitous.

Mike Huckabee: This guy actually comes across being pretty genuine, but that could all be an act. Of course I'm perfectly happy being played as long as it's not made obvious that I'm being played. With Romney, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of even when I'm not. Huckabee seems like he could steal from me and then still come across as genuine during his denial of the theft all the while trying to sell my stuff back to me, my name still scrawled on the front. I appreciate that in a politician.

My main problem with Huckabee (other than his conservative politics) is that he's a Southern Baptist preacher. I knew a kid in middle school who was a Southern Baptist. He was a total jerk. We hated that kid. I'm sure all Southern Baptists are the same; therefore I'm convinced that Huckabee is also a jerk. Also, his eyes are overly large. Who does he think he is? Gizmo the Mogwai? I won't stand by and have this country run by a Muppet. And all that weight he lost? That just makes him a big, fat loser. What if he gets really hungry and eats after midnight? The whole world could be lost.

John McCain: Sir, you have fat cheeks. Big, fat, alcoholic baby cheeks. That should be enough to counter your POW experiences. I will not vote for you.

Rudy Giuliani: Your own kids hate you and you run through wives like toilet paper. How can we expect you not to alienate our international allies the same way? You obviously have either a lack of interpersonal skills or really bad judgment. Either one just makes you a smarter version of W, and everyone knows that if Gore and Kerry hadn't been such tools, Bush would have had "failed presidential candidate" to go on his resume along with failed businessman.

Fred Thompson: Like we need another actor-turned-president. It'll be another eight years of ground-breaking mastery of presidential PR mixed with slept-through meetings and foreign dignitaries covered in vomit. Didn't Reagan give us enough of all of these things?

Other Republicans: There are just too many Republicans here. No one has stood out enough to convince the rest of them that they're wasting their time. Either that or they're just really slow at realizing things. Is that really something you want in your president? Someone who is a slow learner? Maybe you do. I really can't speak for you. Either way, I'm not going to slog through all these also-rans in detail. If you noticed, I was getting a little bored with this exercise after Huckabee. So in short form, here we go. Alan Keyes: Sure you're possibly the most intelligent and well-spoken of the Elephants in the race, but you also picked the major party least likely to elect a black man. Do you realize how many rednecks vote Republican? Elizabeth Dole, a woman whose husband did erectile dysfunction ads had more of a chance than you last time. Duncan Hunter: I've got nothing, nor does it matter. The best I can come up with is that his name smells vaguely of porn. Ron Paul: I keep hearing jokes made at your expense that make you seem silly. I have no idea what those jokes are based on, but that can't be good. Could it be that you're the modern-day Ross Perot? In addition, that candidate choice poll that Courtney posted also listed you as my top Republican pick. That surely can't be good for you. We'll be seeing Mr. Paul in the fall regardless of primary results. Just like when he ran in '88, he'll fall back into the welcoming arms of the Libertarian Party and run under their nomination should he fail to earn the Republican Party's nomination. And he will fail. I'd be willing to bet your money on it. If I bet mine I go to hell. I'm pretty sure that's the loophole in the Christian ban on gambling.

And if you want to see something that actually is funny, go do a Google image search for "Hillary Clinton" and "Barack Obama" and see how different the typical facial expression is.

And thanks to K for helping me with the editorial illustration at the top of the post. She helped me carve this down to a four-hour project. I'm not sure when I would have finished if she hadn't found all of the photos and gotten the carving and pairing started while I typed.