Sunday, February 24, 2008

A Live Blog About a Live Blog

8:40 p.m.: I'll be watching the Oscars and commenting only so that I can mock Courtney for live blogging the Oscars. First, I'm impressed with Courtney's ability to watch the red carpet coverage, although I'm not sure the point in actually watching people walk down the red carpet in usually stupid looking clothes (for the women) or the same thing as everyone else (for the men). Courtney's either not that bright or thinks her dedication is actually impressing someone. I'm sorry, chica, you've already got Mickey, and I doubt he's going to leave you because you don't know what the silly biotches in Hollywood were wearing tonight.

As for my own critique, that opening sequence with all of the poorly cut out characters from past movies (most even really bad, awardless movies) was really, really bad. John Stewart is a good choice for host though, although I can't believe he stooped to the "porn name" joke, although saying his would have been Olympia Dukakis was funny. Mine would have been Pam Collie Route 1 Box 185. The street I grew up on didn't have a name until after I left for college and I named my first dog Pam Collie. If I were to update it, it would be Bubba Kat Walk. I'm not kidding.

And what was Alexandra Byrne, costume designer for Elizabeth: The Golden Age, thinking? You really shouldn't go with a VERY low backless dress when you're that old. Creepy.

9:00 p.m.
: I actually agree with Courtney here. I haven't seen Persepolis (but I'm interested), but why wasn't the Simpson's Movie nominated? As it was,
Ratatouille (Firefox's automatic spell check suggested Bouillabaisse as the correct spelling for Ratatouille, by the way) was perhaps the best film anyway, but they should have at least nominated The Simpsons. It had to be better than Surf's Up.

Why does Jack Nicholson still wear sunglasses inside, at night. Has no one told him that this makes him look like a total douche? Sure, I wouldn't dare tell him for fear for my life, but then I'm a wuss.

9:33 p.m.: So far I've called three awards. I called Sweeney Todd for best art direction and set design. I've called Ratatouille and I've called Javier Bardem for best supporting actor (although having Philip Seymour Hoffman in there made it a tough pick). I've been a fan of Bardem since I first saw him banged from behind in Before Night Falls back in 2002. He was even better in The Sea Inside, so I'm happy he won. Amazing actor. I really have nothing to comment about Courtney's live blogging at the moment except that Javier Bardem was even hotter as a gay Cuban poet.

9:52 p.m.: Miley Cyrus, I just watched your dad host a documentary about the history of hillbillies on the History Channel before switching over to the Oscars. So far, it was more the interesting of the two. Courtney, I have nothing to say to you. Think of something comment-worthy to say, please.

10:06 p.m.: Just found out that Courtney has the hots for Miley Cyrus. Odd choice to go lesbian for, but then the feminine sense of attractiveness differs from that of men. Jessica Alba is much hotter and is the same style as Cyrus.

10:12 p.m.: Courtney's confession of undying love for Miley Cyrus got me thinking of who I'd go gay for. It used to be an open and shut case of Sean Connery, but he's looking really old these days and I hate old people. I don't want to come away from a romantic tryst smelling like Bengay. Javier Bardem is a rather handsome man (and he's part of the reason that Netflix thinks I'm gay and keeps recommending films that rate highly in their Gay and Lesbian category. Viggo Mortensen is pretty damn sexy too, but I'd have to get him to dress up as Aragorn. He was sexier there than in any other film. John Cameron Mitchell could perhaps do the trick too. He made a transgendered wannabe rock star vaguely attractive for me in Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

10:28 p.m.: I'll stop even pretending to predict the winners anymore. I'm less than half watching the award show, actually. I can't keep up enough to actually know what award they're even giving half the time.

On another note, Renée Zellweger has always reminded me a lot of Courtney. Little Miss Grad Student will probably never forgive me for saying this, but if she were to squint a lot and make sure not to stand next to anything that would give perspective for the viewer to realize how incredibly short she is, she could probably pass enough for Ms. Zellweger enough to elicit requests for autographs should she go walking around Hollywood. I would feel guilty for comparing Courtney's appearances to an actor she despises, but, one, it's true, and, two, she only really counts for half a person due to her stature, so I only have to feel half as guilty.

10:48 p.m.: John Travolta is at least the second person to trip right before he made it to the podium. Colin Farrell did the same thing. I also second Courtney's call for an end to the music from Enchanted, although the first song about washing toilets sung in classic Disney fairy tale songstress style was hilarious.

11:21 p.m.: Amy Adams is incredibly gorgeous in the cute method of being gorgeous. She reminds me of a slightly more slender version of Isla Fisher. I do take umbrage at Courtney's criticism of the lovely Miss Adams for having a really lame opening for her presentation. It's not her fault her lines suck. It's not like she's one of the writers that wrote the lines or anything. Besides, your growing crankiness is not becoming.

11:26 p.m.: Courtney has just exhibited her position as a philistine by claiming the documentary category isn't among the "good awards." Having been a journalist and working toward your future career of teaching new journalists, I'm appalled that you don't give any credit to your cinematic cousins. You are short and a loser.

I also promise not to make fun of your height any more after this. It's irrelevant, mean spirited, and over used.

11:31 p.m.: Dame Helen Mirren seems to have a really nice rack. I wonder if they're real, the effects of a special bra, or if she's aged really well in her mammaries.

11:44 p.m.: The Award for Best Acceptance Speech goes to Joel and Ethan Coen for their acceptance of Achievement in Movie Directing.

11:46 p.m.: Courtney's taken the lame route of indirectly reference my live blogging of her live blog. She's referencing my accusations of her lesbian attractions here as well as as the too-frequent short jokes. The Oscar's ceremony isn't allowed to work her commentary in to it's own script, so I don't think she should be allowed to acknowledge my commentary of her in her commentary of the Oscars.

Luckily for the tractor barn and Kim's little Ford Escort Wagon, I don't have to riot tonight. The Coens won Best Picture, best director, and best adapted screenplay. Not too shabby. It's also nice that I could get to bed before midnight having watched the entire awards show and hopefully read the last of Courtney's live blog. She was getting a little loopy there toward the end, even addressing the show as if it were human and able to respond.

I'll be back tomorrow with something different.


Courtney said...

Fuck you, copycat.

Jacob said...

How is this being a copycat? You're live blogging the Oscars. I'm live blogging your live blog. I have to watch the Oscars so that I know what in the hell you're talking about, so I will occassionally comment on the show, but most of my comments will be about you.

Courtney said...

I said I'd go lesbian for Cate Blanchett, not Miley Cyrus.

You're still piggybacking on my idea. Loser.

Jacob said...

You said you thought Miley Cyrus was pretty cute. The only reason to ever comment on another person's attractiveness is because you want to have sex with them. Duh.

As for the copycatting, I'm going to end this debate with the nonreturnable retort: Your mom.

Courtney said...

YOUR mom.

I don't hate Renee Zellweger! I actually think she's a very good actress. Quit making up stuff about me just because you're jealous you didn't think of the live blogging idea first.

Jacob said...

I know I've heard you rant about how much you hated Zellweger and her squinty eyes before. What made you change your mind?

Courtney said...

I think you're confusing me with someone else. I have no problem with Renee.

Courtney said...

It's nice how you call me a philistine and then comment on Helen Mirren's rack.

Jacob said...

It is pretty sweet, isn't it?

sid said...

Jacob ... how old is Helen Mirren?

Courtney has quite a mouth on her.

Mickey said...

I'm glad you and Courtney could entertain each other.

Chris said...

Miley Cyrus had buck-teeth, and I just can't help but despise anyone whose career was launched on the Disney channel. (I'm looking at you, Hilary Duff.)

Julie said...

No kidding, you two. Get a room or something.

And Courtney, if you were a little less concerned with him stealing your ideas and a little more concerned with someone stealing your identity, you would have called him out for using your first and last name. Blog Foul.

Jacob said...

Thanks, Julie. I fixed that. I caught myself almost using it another time and didn't realize I let it slip.