Wednesday, March 05, 2008

What Real White People Like: Part 2

This is a continuation in which I provide white stereotypes to counter the bizarrely wrong-headed ones at this site.

7. White people really love their state's flagship university. You will see that university's colors everywhere in its home state. Some states actually have two or three such colleges, but in those cases, you'll notice a stronger affinity for a school's colors closer to its gates. Places like Alabama have both Alabama and Auburn, for example, and in this state, the populace is divided over whether a rolling tide or a tiger that is also a war eagle is the superior combatant. In Georgia, the red and black of UGA is nearly universally worn by the populace. The students of Georgia Tech are both too book smart and too not-white to be supported by white people.

This love is quite the quintessence of situational irony as it comes in spite of the fact that most white people will never grace that school's hallowed halls as students. If they do go to a four-year school, it's likely to be a smaller, less prestigious one much closer to home. More likely, a white person will go to a junior college for a two-year degree or attend a technical college/trade school if they don't go straight into the workforce or welfare line after high school. Also, white people's support of these universities is purely athletic. White people also look down on people who think too much and therefore don't think to highly of the academic side of collegiate education.

8. White people like thinking that they are right on everything. It doesn't matter that scientists often spend their entire careers working on a single, very narrow subject. These people are always wrong unless they support what white people already know. If it doesn't pair up with what they learned from the Bible through second-hand sources, it's not true. Who cares what the evidence says. Evidence is for Satan-worshipers and the demon-possessed.

9. White people like being bad parents. It's true. There are only two types of white parents: Parents who are neglectful and parents who spoil their children to make up for neglecting them. The first type really didn't want their kids to start with and let them run the streets with little discipline or support. The second type consider their careers more important than parenting. To make up for not being there they refuse to tell their children "no", take their side when the kids get in trouble and buy them anything they want. Both sets of parents produce really crappy children. Just take a look around your local Wal-Mart (the most popular haunt of white people), or the local mall (another popular hang out for white people) and check out some of the kids. You could also start teaching, but that means you're stuck with the offspring of white people for a full 18 months. Any lengthy exposure to white children will cause nausea and the urge to protest for more spankings in America.

10. White people enjoy having no clue how much car they actually need. Sure that Dodge Magnum has 425 hp and can go 0-60 in less than six seconds. Why exactly does your station wagon need to be that powerful? Last I checked you're just lugging two kids to school and yourself to work and to the grocery store. Maybe you should stop buying 50 cases of lead muffins every week. And are you drag racing to work or narrowly avoiding being hit when you pull out into traffic everyday? Maybe you should just stop driving until you stop endangering other people's lives. Besides, if your car accelerates faster, you're just going to pull out in front of people when their that much closer. Oh, and it's a station wagon.

If they're not buying too much horsepower, they're buying too much space. Seriously, if you need a Ford Expedition that seats eight plus cargo room when it's just a four-person family, you're an idiot or your kids are spoiled and have too much crap. If I can go camping at a location about 200 miles away with a wife and baby (and all the camping and baby supplies) in my little "seats five" Prius without even having to fret about what not to bring on the trip, you can carry little Hunter and Taylor to soccer practice in something smaller than an SUV. Besides, your house is getting foreclosed on. Did it ever crossed your mind that it might be your fault because you suck at math and didn't realize that buying a smarter car could have saved you a hundred bucks a month on gas that you could have put toward the payment on your unnecessarily large house? That's right, you probably didn't think about it, because you're white and you're stupid. Idiot.


Courtney said...

I think a lot of these are true for people of all races. Especially #8.

Jacob said...

Don't you think that parsing this for logic is coming at this piece the wrong way?

Jacob said...

And so are all stereotypes such as: [insert race or ethnic group here] are lazy. Or [insert race or ethnic group here] are greedy. Or [insert race or ethnic group here] are immoral.

Mickey said...

I gotta say, this is pretty much as accurate as that other list of Stuff White People Like, just for different white people. Just shows the validity of stereotypes.

Jacob said...

I'm pretty much done with this concept, so I hope no one was getting too into it and hoping for more.

em said...

I know a lot of white people who think they are right on everything. I hate all of them.

I dont understand what Mickey said, though. Aren't all white people exactly the same? I cant even tell the difference looking at them. I see a stranger walking down the street and get startled because I think, "wait? How did I get over there?"

Chris said...

Also, white people don't age well. The skin on their faces rots much faster than that of other races or ethnic groups.

Jacob said...

That's a good point, Chris, but I was trying to leave the other, more innocent, races out of this. You, sir, are a racist.