You Know What Sucks?

I'll tell you what sucks. All of the best jobs are virtually impossible to get. For example, I'd love to be a writer for National Geographic. Seriously, if I knew I could get away with it, I'd be willing to murder someone for that gig, as long as the victim was someone I didn't know personally and I could do it from a safe, dehumanizing distance. I'd also probably be willing to allow someone to sex me in ways I find mildly disturbing if it was guaranteed to get me that job. My body is not a temple. I'm willing to use it to get what I want.

But it ain't gonna happen. First off, every journalist or wannabe on the planet with the slightest bit of a sense of adventure would also kill or allow themselves to be uncomfortably sexed for that same job, meaning that National Geographic has their pick of the absolute cream of the crop. And sadly, I seriously doubt I'd ever find myself in that group, even if I had continued down a path that kept me in professional journalism. I think of myself as a good writer, but I doubt I'd ever have turned into a writer with the ability to see new twists on old topics and write with the vividness and flow of the typical writing found behind those yellow-bordered covers. Even if I did, and my ego does allow that possibility, you still have to get yourself noticed and it's not like having that sort of talent is exceptionally rare. It's still a big group competing for a very limited number of spots, and most of those writers are freelance. They don't even get to exclusively work for the magazine. They have to take much less awesome assignments for the chance to write about the amphibious abundance of Costa Rica or the customs of the Zoroastrian minority in Iraq for the NG.

Of course this isn't something that keeps me awake at night. Although National Geographic was one of the reasons I got into journalism to start with, it was never a serious goal. I don't feel frustrated or depressed by this fact. It's just an observation of likelihood.

What got me thinking along these lines was reading a Slate article about the top ten quirky travel guides. The article is pretty interesting, but I can't think of a job more perfect for me. The only inhuman thing I love more than beer and food is travel and I can't think of a better job than being paid to wander to the corners of the earth and then write about it. Again, anyone who thought their last vacation kicked ass would also love to have this job. Have you ever checked the classifieds for travel writer job openings? They just aren't there. You could probably add up the number of full-time travel writers in the US without a calculator (unless you really suck at math) and it doesn't seem to be the sort of job with a high turnover. It's the sort of job that you spend a career working toward and, honestly, I'm not willing to put in that sort of effort, especially given my doubts that I possess everything needed to excel in the genre. It'd really suck to spend years working toward a career goal like that only to find out that you just didn't have what it takes.

I have thought about starting up a beer, food, and wine-related travel agency. That's a similar job, but I don't have to worry about not having the literary creativity to cut it and after organizing a couple of bus tours of Atlanta-area breweries a few years ago, I know I have what it takes to do that pretty well. I even liked the business end of that venture with the estimating of costs, contacting vendors, setting ticket prices, organizing an itinerary, talking to the bar owners and brewers to set up visits, and finally advertising and keeping track of ticket sales. My waiver for the trip was even picked up by a local beer festival organizer and he uses it for all of his events now. The only thing stopping me there is a crippling fear of risk. If I screwed up that, I only risked a loss of a couple of thousand dollars at worst. I could make up for that with a few months work. Setting up a full-time business and having it fail is entirely a different prospect.

But, if there are any of you out there with any business and/or wine experience who would be interested in setting up a gustatory tourism business, let me know, especially if you're independently wealthy or are owed a favor by someone who is.