Tuesday, September 02, 2008

What Exactly Is He Looking At?

Disclaimer: I thought of this last week when McCain announced his pick for VP and they showed the video of their first joint public appearance. I don't think John Stewart or Stephen Colbert did this last week, but I really hope they don't do this story tonight. I've already had Slate steal part of my Netflix post and had it pointed out that NPR had already done my bit about 24 paving the way for Obama, although at least mine was a humor column when they were taking a serious slant on the idea. I personally struggle with the idea that Chris Rock playing president eased any fears a quasi-racist may have had about voting for a black guy. Despite my recent episodes of stolen thunder, the following is just such an obvious observation that I can't believe someone hasn't already made it publicly. So, at the risk of unfairly appearing to be a plagiarist, I bring you the exciting commentary of "What Exactly Is He Looking At?"

I'll be the first one to admit that Sarah Palin is on the attractive side. Sure she's 44 and old enough to technically have been able to be my mom (if she'd gotten knocked up a couple of months after her 15th birthday by her bored Alaskan boyfriend. I'm sure there's not a lot else to do in Alaska for teenagers between April and May, so it could have been entirely possible. Still, she's got those high, prominent cheekbones, a strong, but feminine, jaw, and she's exceptionally fit for an American middle-aged woman. Hell, she's exceptionally fit for anyone in the state of Mississippi. (Actually, she runs marathons, so she's just fit, period.) Any straight man (and any gay man who's secure enough in his sexuality to admit such things) has to admit that Palin is a MILF. If McCain gets elected and then dies before he finishes his term, she would be the first ever PILF. I guess technically in a few months she'll be a GILF when her daughter has her baby and she already is a GILF of another sort (Governor I'd Like to bow-chicka-bow-wow). That's a lot of ILFs for one person. She has almost as many ILFs as McCain has houses.

I'm really hoping Tina Fey is willing to do regular guest spots for Saturday Night Live because she is so perfect for the Palin impersonator job. Fey is hot in that same sexy bookworm way that Palin in and even shares similar facial features. Plus Fey is just damn funny. It'd be like Will Ferrell playing George Dubya all over again, but sexier (kind of like Colin Farrell playing George Dubya, but funny).

But I get to say all of this about Palin's hotness because I'm not running for president. I'm just writing a blog with a regular readership I could count up on my fingers, and even one of those regular readers is perfectly comfortable in telling me no one cares about my writing. Because of these facts, I can get away with commenting on the attractiveness of the Republican nominee for Vice President. With me, no one of importance is going to ever read this and I'm not going to influence anyone's votes with my lack of charisma, but McCain probably shouldn't be joining me in my appraisal, at least not publicly. Apparently, his advisers didn't think to tell him that. Watch this clip and pay attention to McCain instead of Palin (if you call pull your lecherous eyes away from her).

Is McCain checking out Palin's tits!? Seriously, does the guy not realize he's on national television? What does he keep staring at that puts Palin's mammaries in his general line of sight? What is Palin's husband going to think about this? The guy's a commercial fisherman in
the summer and works in the oil fields in the winter. I imagine he's a pretty fit guy and I also imagine the cultural taboos against punching the elderly no longer apply when the old guy in question is leering at your wife on national television. His career choices also suggest he's much more of a manly man than I am. I'd have to get my sister to punch McCain in the mouth for me. I think I could probably even get her to do it. She always did have violent tendencies, while I'd wimp out at the last second and tell McCain that I admire him for his willingness to buck the party line. I'm just a pacifist.

It gets even worse when you realize how nervous McCain looks. I'm getting the sense that the guy knows that he's in front of a camera and still can't help but check out his running mate's rack and is just hoping that no one notices. That's just creepy. Maybe McCain needs to go join David Duchovny in rehab for sex addiction (or at least leering addiction). Can we really afford another president who can't control his dick? I mean the last time we elected a guy like that, Congress spent two years and more money than my entire family will ever see in a lifetime trying to get him out of office because of it. They just couldn't think of anything else but Clinton's penis for his entire second term. I wouldn't want to know what might happen if our national politicians developed a similar fascination with McCain's genitalia.

Turns out the whole point of this post was to get you to think about McCain's balls, and you know you visualized them before you could stop yourself. Suckers.


Cj said...

I can't pay attention to what he is looking at because he blinks so much. same thing with bob dole. never could take him seriously because he blinked too much too.

and i have never hit anyone unlike you. I'm a kind and gentle soul.

Chris said...

He does blink a lot.

I actually have an alternate theory, which I think is even sadder. I think McCain is reading along to Palin's speech script on the podium, or at least studying the program notes up there to see what he's supposed to do next.

Listening to even 45 seconds of a political speech always makes me feel dumber.

Mickey said...

Come on- a guy can look, right? No harm there. And you have to figure McCain is not accustomed to sharing the podium with anything approaching eye candy.

He may be on to something, actually. I mean, as long as we're going to have to spend the next four years seeing the VP all over the place, they may as well be attractive. Biden's a handsome guy, though.

Julie said...

I can forgive the impeachment proceedings. It was cheaper than two wars.

Chris said...

Oops. Didn't mean to kill your joke. I did think it was a funny idea.

But then when I watched the video, I had the eerie image of that being Dubya standing there, reading along to the speech and slightly mouthing the words with his lips as she spoke.

Can you tell I think Bush and all his friends are total dumbasses? So it's funny and terrifying at the same time.