Favre Is a Turd Bucket

Most of you should know by now that Brett Favre, the zombie menace of the National Football League, is a Minnesota Viking. I'm not going to go on an on about how much of a creep this guy is. After all, he's now pretended to retire on multiple occasions just so he doesn't have to go through the two-a-days of training camp. I do, however, wish to give a big "Thank you" to Favre for making me look like a man of prescience instead of just one of those guys who hate success and hard work.

See, I've hated Brett Favre since I first found out that there was a Brett Favre. As a child, I hated him because his last name was stupid. If you wanted to be Brett Farv, you shouldn't spell it Brett Farve. I don't care if your ancestors were French. The French can't even spell their own language and you're living in America, the land of an entirely sensible written language. Later, my reason for hating the man became that he was overrated. Members of the sports media have schlobbed this guy's knob for as long as he's been a starter even though he's far to careless with the ball and throws way too many interceptions. Sure, I would have been happy to have had the guy taking snaps for the Falcons had they never let him go to Green Bay, but only because during that time Atlanta's quarterbacks until Matt Ryan have kind of sucked. I'm not saying the guy doesn't deserve any credit for his play. I may even eventually be willing to admit he deserves an induction ceremony into the Hall of Fame. It's just that he still gets more credit than he deserves.

Until now, it's seemed like I was on the only fan out in the real world chanting "Favre sucks!" while I watched games not even involving his team, but, finally, after years of being the weird guy who hated the most-loved quarterback in the league, I'm no longer the only one hating him. In fact, it seems that I'm in the majority of football fans who now despise this guy for leaving teammates hanging out to dry and threatening to quit it all just to avoid a little hard work during the summer.

Despite my current position in the majority, it hasn't stopped me from feeling superior to some of the Favre haters-come-lately. It seems that many people hate the guy just because he can't stay retired. In fact, I've been accused of that recently even though I usually preface my Favre bashing with the fact that I don't hate him because he's wishy washy. Fuck. I'm wishy washy, and I'm self aware enough to know that hating him because he can't make up his damn mind would be hypocritical. I hate him because he's using his retirement as a tool to avoid hard work that everyone else has to do.

Besides, I could understand it if he were just being wishy washy. He does genuinely seem to love playing. The joy is evident when he's on the field. He's even said his main reason for wanting to retire is practice, not playing. Football has been his entire life for decades now and there's a big void staring back at him at the end of his career. He's financially set, but there's nothing set in stone for him to do when he hangs up the pads for the last time. It makes perfect sense that he'd have trouble letting it go while still wanting to leave it behind.

It just seems too much like he's being a whiny baby and men who make that much money and have that much stubble should never expect sympathy when they whine.