Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Reasons Why I Hate the Future

If the children are our future, I hate the future. I don't necessarily hate what the future will look like. Unlike the elderly and conservative, I don't think the world is worse off now than it was in the past. In fact, I'd say cumulatively, the present is a better place, in both wealth and ethics, than it was in the '50s. For every atheist and meth addict in the present that you can show me, I can show examples of extreme and violent racism and a photo of Senator McCarthy from the '50s. Also, the fact that many of our current, and likely future, problems are the results of attitudes and actions of those in the past should keep more of us from glorifying earlier eras. I tend to see the passage of time as a very flawed, but generally upward roll toward the better.

What I really mean when I say that I hate the future is that I just hate children, although even then I don't mean that in a specific way. I'm quite fond of my own son, although at times I'd much rather him be somewhere else. I'm even fond of many of my students. Instead, what I mean is that I hate the concept of children, or maybe just groups of children.

This is partly why I've hated coming to work so much this week. I'm not sure what the deal is. My classes are better than I expected when I saw my class assignments in the spring. Things are going pretty well. In fact, the last two semesters have been the best two semesters of my teaching career, and by a wide margin. I've just gotten to school each day this week and couldn't shake the desire to fake sickness and go back home. My reluctance to do my job has been so bad that I even had a nightmare about it last night. Technically, it was two nightmares. My alarm clock went off before the first one ended, and while I dozed for the nine minutes before it went off again, my brain picked right up where it left off. The details of the dream were pretty mundane. My class kept standing up and wandering around no matter how I scolded them. They broke a favorite DVD and glued it to the underside of the TV with bubblegum. It was the fact that in the dream I was losing my temper that made it a nightmare. I woke up a little angry and really dreading going to work today.

Ironically, actually teaching my classes today has lessened that irritation from this morning, but I still honestly dislike the concept of children, especially teenagers. To explain, here's a list of my top reasons to hate adolescents:
  1. They walk too god damn slow. They also tend to walk in groups side-by-side that take up the entire hall making it impossible to get past them when you're in a hurry, or just want to walk at a normal pace. They also tend to be oblivious of their surroundings so will walk backwards into you, cut you off, and generally hog the halls.
  2. They can't stop hitting each other. This is really aimed at those in the 9th grade or younger, and really just the boys, but it annoys the crap out of me. I've been reminded this semester why I quit teaching 9th-grade classes three years ago. It's because the only thing worse in the world than a 9th-grader is a 7th-grader. Hideous, hideous beasts.
  3. They tend to smell bad. When they don't reek of a natural stench, they're giving me a headache by emptying a can of Axe or the like into my room. I think I've already made my feelings for the inventor of Axe Body Spray incredibly clear.
  4. They listen to stupid music and like stupid movies, although this pretty much applies to the majority of people.
  5. Despite approximating adults in appearance, they're really just whiny little babies who always want Band Aids for tiny cuts that aren't even bleeding.
  6. They're such incredibly ignorant and backwards creatures. They have no concept of history, current events, or logic. You know those Jay Leno quizzes? The people he questions don't sound so outlandishly stupid after you've taught a few high school classes.
  7. They are the reason I have to wake up before 6 a.m. each morning, and, honestly, I would probably rather die than wake up in the morning if I didn't worry so much that death would be terribly uncomfortable.


courtney said...

Dude. I know you already know this, but you are in the wrong profession. Seriously, get out. It is not good to have a job that gives you nightmares and makes you want to die. Don't be one of those people who hates their job but never does anything to change the situation. There are other ways to make a living.

Jacob said...

Courtney, you've gotten it all wrong. It's not the job that makes me want to die, it's the waking up before 7 or 8 that makes me want to die. I'd feel this way with any work that required me to be there before 10 a.m.

Chris said...

Now here, I think, is a good argument for not working a job that gives you summers off. I've always been jealous of that blessing of the teaching profession, but reading your post makes me realize --- if I had the whole summer off, the first several weeks back to work in the fall would feel like pure hell.

Sid said...

I've also reached the point where I hate teenagers. I asked a shop assistant if they have any tartan skirts and she gave me this blank look that clearly conveyed that she had no idea what "tartan" meant. Ugh. Asking a teenager for help is the worse thing ever.

A Free Man said...

I loathe teenagers. All of them. I hated myself when I was a teenager. I can't explain why the hell I think it is a good idea for me to teach secondary school.

Jacob said...

I got a head start. I hated myself during middle school. By high school, I gradually started liking myself again in high school. By my senior year, I was starting to be quite contented with myself. By the time I was in college, I was about as happy as I've ever been.

Julie said...

I think the problem with teenagers can be related to the fact that they have no awareness beyond themselves. There are other people in the world, teens, and they are just as important as you.