Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Crack is Whack, but Heroin is Something Good that Rhymes with Heroin

I've never been much of a drug user. I wouldn't even take the prescription pain medication they gave me when I had my wisdom teeth removed when I was 18. It wasn't because I was being too macho. No one has ever accused me of that. I just didn't like the way the drugs made me feel. It's true that I have the occasional beer or six (college football lasts about 12 hours on Saturdays, after all) and I'll take a hit of caffeine via a cup of coffee or a Coke in the afternoon, but even with that, my intake is irregular. I often go weeks without caffeine consumption.

I may have also had encounters with something harder than caffeine and alcohol on a number of instances, but you could count the times on one hand, even if you had a few fingers cut off in an industrial accident.

Despite my lack of chemical experience, I was thinking about drugs tonight. You know, the hard stuff, the stuff that gets you put in jail just for having in your possession. The stuff that creates a giant and violent black market through its prohibition. That stuff. And I got to thinking, I really don't understand the deal with stimulants. Why does anyone want to me more hyper, agitated, or, god forbid, awake? There's no joy in jitters, no romance in a rushing heartbeat. Why would someone snort a line of coke when they can smoke a joint? Why would someone vacuum their entire house in a rage at four in the morning after doing whatever you do with meth when they could experience the better-than-sex high of heroin? Seriously, the stuff is supposed to be better than sex. If it weren't totally incompatible with a normal lifestyle and, well, living, I'd say we should all be doing it.

In fact, if I were looking to burn out bright and fast like I've always dreamed of doing, but always been too much of a coward to do, I'd head straight for the nearest tambourine man and free needle clinic I could find and inject myself so full of liquid nirvana that I'd forget I ever wanted to live. Yeah, that's the ticket!

Instead, I'll sit back with a beer tonight, watch the most recent episode of No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain on my DVR, and call it an early night, because after all, I'm too afraid of Tylenol and being a financial burden on my wife to ever hit the needle.

I'm also afraid of needles, but a boy can dream.

This post surprisingly composed without even the help of alcohol. It just sounds that way.


Sid said...

Not a big fan of drugs myself. I figure for most people its just a way to numb yourself, to escape reality/your problems.

courtney said...

I don't get stimulants either. I'd much rather be chilled out than manic, and I'd really rather be normal.

If heroin actually is better than sex, that may be a good way to keep the population down. Just tell people to shoot heroin instead of gettin' busy in the back of the car! Fewer junkies/idiots procreating = better world for all of us. I think we may be on to something here.

Julie said...

I am continually surprised by the number of adults using drugs. I can kinda understand (though not support) teens using drugs - they're bored. Adults should know better.

Now... things that can rhyme with heroin:

sterile pin
distant kin
sorta win
aging skin


A Free Man said...

Cause sometimes you've got things to do - studying, working, driving, dancing, loving. Not advocating, mind you, just answering the question.

Jacob said...

A Free Man, I don't know about you, but I've always been able to do that stuff without the help of stimulants. Honestly, I've never found that a chemical pick-me-ups really do any good. When I've not slept enough, I don't think any better after a cup. I just think more loudly.

Chris said...

You raise a good point about cocaine and other stimulants. But then, I guess it almost makes sense for rock stars and the like. The fans sort of expect them to be manic on stage, don't they?
This is purely theoretical on my part. I'm pretty confident I've never been to a concert where the performers were on cocaine, and I really doubt I'll ever find myself at one.