Thursday, January 28, 2010

In the Time of Chimpanzees I Was a Monkey

Photo: s-a-m, Flickr Creative Commons

Of course, I was probably the type of monkey that sneaked into troops of my larger, more intelligent cousins and ate their fucking babies while the mothers wept their silly little ape tears and the fathers raged, smashing logs against the ground and flinging their poo wildly in a vain attempt to find the stealthy burglar of their genetic future. I'd watch the show from the shadows, their offspring's innards my popcorn.

Bullshit. I was the monkey that got eaten by those tailless bastards on one of their hunting forays. I'm not the kind of guy who takes chances. I'm the kind of guy who clings to the stable and guaranteed and dreams of the riskier options that require more guts than I'm willing to make available.

I'm starting to accept that. At least I hope I am. My only other two options are manning up and self loathing. I'm not fond of either.

Lately, I've been considering quitting this whole blogging thing. My doubt has been nothing serious, at least not yet, but I've just not been feeling it lately. It's been more than a year since I posted something every day and I was feeling like this was actually worth doing. Now, it's just starting to feel a little silly. I started taking blogging seriously as a way to reconnect with some of my college friends, and for a couple of years there it really worked. Gradually they've seemed to fall away from their blogs and at times it feels like I'm the only dork still tick-tacking away to produce rambling tripe that no one wants to read. Building a large audience for this blog was never one of my goals coming in and it never has shaped any of my decisions concerning the site, but I have to admit, the fact that it feels like almost no one is reading sure makes it easier to consider just letting it fade into something I used to do but no longer bother with.

Of course, I'm apparently in an awkward phase at the moment. I even feel a little ridiculous and unsure of myself at the tennis courts after school, and coaching tennis for the last three years has been the only part of my job that I actually loved.

This will pass. Maybe my darker thoughts about the blog will too.

It's funny how writing works. I didn't start out writing the post you just read. I started writing about this topic, but I had intended it to be a joke. I even wanted to work in another line from Beck's "Loser" for the clincher. How I was going to work in "get crazy with the Cheez Whiz" I'm unsure, but that was the plan. Apparently, this is what wanted to come out instead. Sometimes you just have to let it come and set your plans to the side. Things are easier that way.


Mickey said...

Whoa. Downer. And sorry for not reading.

And why quit blogging? Just do what I do and ignore it until it becomes interesting again. It'll still be there, without you having to announce an official resignation.

I was totally looking forward to naming the song in my comment and looking like a smarty pants until you spilled it.

Oh, and I never did get back to you about visiting two weeks ago. We were still talking about it up until the Friday night before, I just never brought you into the discussion. It's because I'm an asshole.

Jacob said...

Yeah, this isn't really a oh-woe-is-me kind of post, or at least it wasn't supposed to. I don't really feel all that sad about it. I was just thinking about where I'm going to go with this thing. I do know that if I do stick with it, it'll just be more of the same. I'm not going to go out of my way to find a theme or niche for this because then I'm just making it a job, and a job that doesn't even pay. If I quit with it, it'll be because it's just not giving me anything back. I spent years pretending to be a writer who just didn't write. It wouldn't be that big of a deal to go back to that.

Plus, you just can't take a post too seriously when it starts off with the writer imagining himself as a monkey eating chimp babies.

Julie said...

A) Why do you have to go somewhere with your blog? Just go for self-expression.

B) Seriously, Mickey? Even I recognize that lyric. Burn!

C) If you stop posting, I will have to search for another blog to replace it. I had to add The Onion to my reader when Mickey went away. I guess I could go for a picture a day site since I've really been enjoying the visual element in your postings. I'm open to suggestion.

D) I thought about switching from A to 2 because that joke always amuses me. I decided not to because I was going for 'serious list' and also because I love and respect lists.

E) I have obviously given up on my goal. That is all.

Jacob said...

Julie: A: By go I meant either go away or go on. Like I said in the response to Mickey, if I keep going with this, it will most definitely be more of the same.

C: I'm glad you like the photos. I think it's a definite improvement of the blog.

A Free Man said...

I like the monkey metaphors, especially when they're Beck inspired.

As for quitting and posting every day and all that, I've been through it several times before. Especially when the proverbial well is try. But I think I've come to terms with the fact that I'll blog when I want and won't when I don't and that's OK>. I started blogging for my family and friends and now I wish they would kind of go away so I could write freely.

Courtney said...

I, too, vote against your quitting blogging. I struggle with the same things on my blog -- I know my writing has sucked lately, and sometimes I think I need to take it in a new direction. But in the end, it's my blog and I'll always write about what I feel like writing about. When I don't want to write it anymore, I'll stop. I don't post as frequently as some because I don't want to force it. But I've never been away from it for too long.

I think blogging is cyclical -- sometimes you're a wellspring of post topics, sometimes not. Your thoughts on blogging here are totally normal.