Photo: s-a-m, Flickr Creative Commons
Of course, I was probably the type of monkey that sneaked into troops of my larger, more intelligent cousins and ate their fucking babies while the mothers wept their silly little ape tears and the fathers raged, smashing logs against the ground and flinging their poo wildly in a vain attempt to find the stealthy burglar of their genetic future. I'd watch the show from the shadows, their offspring's innards my popcorn.
Bullshit. I was the monkey that got eaten by those tailless bastards on one of their hunting forays. I'm not the kind of guy who takes chances. I'm the kind of guy who clings to the stable and guaranteed and dreams of the riskier options that require more guts than I'm willing to make available.
I'm starting to accept that. At least I hope I am. My only other two options are manning up and self loathing. I'm not fond of either.
Lately, I've been considering quitting this whole blogging thing. My doubt has been nothing serious, at least not yet, but I've just not been feeling it lately. It's been more than a year since I posted something every day and I was feeling like this was actually worth doing. Now, it's just starting to feel a little silly. I started taking blogging seriously as a way to reconnect with some of my college friends, and for a couple of years there it really worked. Gradually they've seemed to fall away from their blogs and at times it feels like I'm the only dork still tick-tacking away to produce rambling tripe that no one wants to read. Building a large audience for this blog was never one of my goals coming in and it never has shaped any of my decisions concerning the site, but I have to admit, the fact that it feels like almost no one is reading sure makes it easier to consider just letting it fade into something I used to do but no longer bother with.
Of course, I'm apparently in an awkward phase at the moment. I even feel a little ridiculous and unsure of myself at the tennis courts after school, and coaching tennis for the last three years has been the only part of my job that I actually loved.
This will pass. Maybe my darker thoughts about the blog will too.
It's funny how writing works. I didn't start out writing the post you just read. I started writing about this topic, but I had intended it to be a joke. I even wanted to work in another line from Beck's "Loser" for the clincher. How I was going to work in "get crazy with the Cheez Whiz" I'm unsure, but that was the plan. Apparently, this is what wanted to come out instead. Sometimes you just have to let it come and set your plans to the side. Things are easier that way.