Thursday, June 17, 2010

To Paraphrase W.C. Fields...

Photo: conorwithonen, Flickr Creative Commons

I don't like children. It's a simple fact. When they're young, they cry and beg and lie and want too much personal attention. When they're medium aged, middle school, they smell bad and hate themselves and others. As teens they're vapid and boring and they still have the lingering odors and rage of pubescence. Also, they wear too much Axe body spray. That shit is horrible.

Of course adults aren't any better. In fact, they're often worse because they think they should be treated like adults, or at least my equals, which they rarely deserve to be, but at least I'm not pressured by society to look at a fat middle-aged man and say, "Oh, how cute. Look at those rolls!"

I've learned to accept my status as a father and to at least tolerate my own son, but I really hope it ends there. I'm not sure I have enough space in my memory that I'm willing to spare to store more names and personalities. I think if an accident happens, and they do happen, that I shall refer to any forthcoming offspring of mine as "The Others." and lock them away in the spare bedroom, or maybe in the crawl space under the house if they annoy me. Individually, I'll refer to them as "An Other," although I really doubt I'll have much reason to refer to them personally, unless there's only one of course.

I once kicked our cat out of the house permanently for playing with the blinds while I was asleep. I'd do that to a stupid baby, too. Of course, I admit there's the possibility that I could be impressed by a new child. If this spawn of mine managed to stay in my relative good graces long enough to be a toddler, I guess I could be bothered enough to take this thing out into the middle of the Cohutta Wilderness, where I would abandon it and wait. If its genes and luck were good enough and it emerged from the woods in the next few days, a dead, partially eaten trout clutched in its tiny fists, I think I could learn to love it. Maybe.

This is in no way a veiled hint that my wife is pregnant. At least I hope not. Feticide is illegal. Stupid fascists.


Julie said...

I think if I had a kid now, I would resent the time/energy/emotion drain on me. I probably wouldn't I would want to throw it out of the house. But you're the one with experience. I guess I defer to your expertise.

Courtney said...

Yeah, I pretty much agree with you. If I ever have kids, I'll be one of those parents who hates all children except my own and those close to me (including yours, because he's cute.)

Rassles said...

I really love children. They're a blast.

I hate babies, though. Fuck babies.

Chris said...

I've wondered occasionally what the lives of daycare/ preschool workers must be like.

Unbearably frustrating, is what I've come up with.

A Free Man said...

Sounds like you're more of a misanthrope. And clearly in the wrong line of work!

Sid said...

I'm with Rassles on this one. I love kids especially my cousins. Not too fond of babies. They can't entertain me or bring me food. They're of no use to me.

Mind you, I wouldn't mind have a few some day. Maybe I'll adopt.