Monday, March 07, 2011

Crap. I Can't Do the Swim Leg of a Triathlon with a T-shirt on, Can I?

Photo: MKII Photo, Flickr Creative Commons

It just hit me that when I do the triathlon in late May that I will have to either go shirtless or buy one of those fancy suits that the real-deal triathletes wear. For those who don't know me personally, there's a reason that this is a big deal for me. Despite my (based on a true story) claims of having the world's sexiest male legs, I'm as cursed above the waist as I am blessed below it. (No, I'm not talking about my penis. It may or may not be adequate and we'll leave that topic there.)

I'm a bit blubbery from just below the the navel to just below my nipples. There's little chance that flab will be gone by May (maybe smaller, but not gone), so I'll have to address this issue by then. I've already decided that I'll be doing the event in bicycle-type shorts that are designed for triathlons. I may even buy cheap bicycle shorts and see if they work without rubbing me raw. Even if I am proud of my lower body, I'll be a little self-conscious about being in public wearing tights, but I can get over that since most of the other competitors will likely be wearing something similar. I just don't know what to do about the top. Should I buck up and spend the money on a top or one of the body suits? My torso hasn't seen the sun in more than a decade. The skin could burst into flame at the first exposure to sun. That could slow down my times on the bike and running legs. While it wouldn't directly affect my legs and feet, the pain could distract me from pushing myself forward at a good pace. Or should I screw the shirt, slather on some SPF 3000 and give the spectators a view of my jiggling gut as I limp across the finish line?

What I'll probably end up doing is buying the cheapest option for those shorts and leave one of the shirts I normally wear for running at the transition area with the bike. This is probably my best option, at lest to start with considering I also may need to buy a bicycle helmet. Yes, I've been training without a helmet. I live on the wild side. Honestly, considering all the damn pitt bulls that live out here, I really need good shin guards instead of a helmet.

But, just to increase the interactive qualities of this blog, leave a comment here and let me know which option you think I should go with. To make voting easier I'll list the options below.
  1. Tight shorts and a shirt I already have. Swim shirtless, cover my shame on the bike and while running.
  2. Tight shorts and tight shirt. Never let anyone see my weakness.
  3. Full body suit. Forget sensible decisions. I just got a raise, dammit.
  4. Do the entire event in the nude. Being chased by cops could improve my time.


Courtney said...

As tempted as I am to vote for #4, I don't think that would help answer your question, so I think I'd go with #1. No one's going to see you in the water anyway, and it'll save you the money of going out and buying a tight shorts/shirt combo or the bodysuit.

Mickey said...

Yeah, 4 is tempting. I might show up for that spectacle.

But #1 is the sensible choice. That's what I'd do. And I might even eschew the bike shorts altogether. You could be that badass that makes all the "serious" athletes look like wusses by doing the thing in cutoff jean shorts and a hawaiian shirt while wearing a beer helmet.

Julie said...

#4. May want to invest in a mask and not wear your number so you don't get arrested. Good luck with that.

Jacob said...

Mickey: You guys should come down that weekend anyway. I know you're too much of a pansy to compete, but you could come enjoy being a spectator and then we could go kayaking/canoeing on the Altamaha that week. Also, Hank also suggested the cutoffs. You're not even being original. I plan instead on showing up the "serious" athletes by just being fat.

Julie: You're probably correct on the mask thing. My lower body physique probably won't be such an identifier in a crowd of distance athletes, so I just might be able to get away with it.

Chris said...

What Courtney said: no one will see your stomach while you're swimming.

I'm sure if you search the Internet long enough, you can find a nude triathlon, if that's the sort of thing you're into.