Photo: Express Monorail, Flickr Creative Commons
I write for a green living blog sometimes and when I was first asked to start writing for them, I thought it would be hilarious to write an advice column for groups who don't normally get advice on how to be more environmentally friendly with their interests. Considering that today is Halloween, I decided to write a post for serial killers and how they can be more environmentally conscious. Obviously, the topic isn't entirely appropriate for a site that focuses on serious advice and a fairly general audience, but then no one's going to take this blog seriously, are they.
While it may be true that the vast majority of psychotic serial killers are too self-obsessed to really care about the environment, we here at Jacob's Land of Bliss and Blisters (JLBB) know that some of you are genuinely concerned about the earth. In fact, your hobby may be, in some way, a misguided attempt to make the world a better place. I mean, if Dexter can go around serial killing serial killers, maybe you’re the Captain Planet of mass murderers. If so, this post is for you.
Before we go any further, I’d like to formally state that JLBB does not encourage serial killing or any other types of murder. In fact, we kind of think the whole thing is kind of icky, but we know you’re going to do what you’re going to do. In that spirit, we offer some tips to help you leave the world a better place for the people you don’t brutally murder. Hopefully, we'll be among the number you leave alive. Remember, we're being nice to you.
We will address several aspects of serial killing: transportation to and from the murder scene, weapon choices, and body disposal.
Cars may be the fastest way to get to and from a murder scene, but they do burn a lot of fossil fuels. Have you considered walking or running to the crime scene? This is the greenest option for a serial killer, and all that exercise will make you look awesome in your eventual mugshot photos. If you live in an urban area with good public transportation, making use of the buses and trains will help you get farther from your home in an abandoned warehouse in the industrial district without creating too much additional pollution. For those in more rural or suburban environments, consider riding a bicycle. If you choose a mountain bike you can even take off through the woods after the murder to better avoid being seen. Another advantage of using a bike is that no one ever suspects a cyclist for being a murderer. Spandex is dorky, not sinister. When selection a bike, a used one can be both a greener option and a cheaper one than buying it new, which may be an important factor if your serial killing keeps you from being gainfully employed.
Guns are often a serial killer’s first choice, at least when they’re not ridiculous movie monsters like Freddy and Jason. It is true that a gun has advantages. There’s the power and range of the weapon, but the lead in the bullets can contaminate the environment and harm wildlife that accidentally ingest the projectiles. Also, while the carbon emissions from a gun are far smaller than what a car would create, there are still much greener alternatives. Knives and heavy blunt objects are perfectly effective and, because they are reusable, do make greener options. However, the production of metal requires mining and smelting that are not perfectly green processes. Instead, we would like to encourage you to consider using a length of rope. A nice three-foot length of rope woven from organically grown hemp fibers is a great option. If you’re the crafty type, consider weaving your own garrote from cords spun from organic wool. Try to source your wool from a local farm. Don’t worry about arousing suspicion. No one ever sees a guy buying yarn and thinks that guy is going to kill people with it. Also, it’s very nice to support local businesses. Just remember it is unwise to murder the people who sell you your supplies. We know it’s difficult to restrain yourself, but believe us. It’s worth holding back in this case. If you are a deranged vegan serial killer however, you may need to stick with the hemp. Also, please try to avoid looking up the definition of irony in that case.
Let’s face it. Serial killing is a wasteful hobby at best and waste is the enemy of every true environmentalist. Wouldn’t it be great if there were a way you could go around serial killing and not have to leave a trail of wasted bodies behind you? Turns out that there is. It’s called cannibalism. I can see you shrinking back at the idea, but I’d like to remind you that you are, after all, a serial killer. If you’ve managed to justify turning murder into a lifestyle, it seems pretty silly to draw your ethical line at eating the body. After all, meat is not a very green dietary choice. Production of meat takes up land, it’s an inefficient use of agricultural production, and it creates waste that can easily pollute water sources. If you replace the industrially-grown meat in your diet with human flesh, you get to green up your serial killing and your diet simultaneously. It’s a win-win, except for the murder victim, obviously, but he’s not going to care now, is he?