My Favorite Dictators

I'm going to preface this post by admitting that, yes, this is a list. However, it doesn't break the rule I set for myself earlier because I was referring to Q&A lists. This however, is something entirely original from me, so it's ok. I probably should have clarified that in my original post, but whatever. One other caveat: some of these guys don't fit the classic definition of dictator since Kings and Queens aren't usually considered as such. I'm broadening the definition for the purpose of this post to any leader who acquired and held on to power through military or violent action. Anyway, on to the fun!

5. Saddam Hussein. The only reason he even makes the list is because he once offered me a tuna fish sandwich. Overall, he's a pretty lame dictator. Sure he killed a few Kurds and ruled with an iron fist, but he rolled over and played dead or hid every time the US came rolling through.

4. Olusegun Obasanjo. Again, I'm choosing him largely for frivolous reasons, but I am a frivolous man. I dig the dude's name. Actually his full name is Olusegun Aremu Okikiola Matthew Obasanjo. What's up with that Matthew anyway? As for more serious reasons, he's the only former military dictator I can think of who left power, returned through democratic elections and then stepped down peacefully when the constitution said his term limit was up. He did try to change the law to allow him to run for another term, but when he was defeated, he didn't start a war or anything. That's pretty impressive by African standards for countries not named South Africa, Botswana and only a handful of other countries there. Plus, his son went to Georgia Tech. Dig it.

3. Qin Shi Huang/Yíng Zhèng/Qin Shi Huangdi. I'm a huge sucker for Chinese culture, and I'm really not sure why. I've even seen a couple of mainland Chinese movies that feature this guy. He was the first man to unify much of what is today China into one political state and is considered the first Emperor of China. Much like Alexander the Great's conquests in Europe and western Asia, the empire fell apart after its founder's death, but unlike Alexander, his precedent lead to future leaders successfully trying to recreate his enormous empire. There's a great story about a failed assassination attempt on his life. He was paranoid (what good dictator isn't) and refused to allow armed people inside his room. This included his own guards. The guards in the throne room with him were unarmed and the armed guards outside were not allowed to enter without being asked. The potential assassin convinced one of Qi Shi Huangdi's enemies to commit suicide and brought his head and a map of the unconquered province's military in a box to the emperor. Inside the scroll of the map was concealed a poison dagger. Bearing gifts, the assassin was allowed to approach closer to the emperor than normally allowed and pulled the dagger and attacked. The emperor was armed. However, his sword was ceremonial and was too long to be drawn so the assassin chased him around the room as the emperor was fumbling around with his lengthy sword too long to be drawn from its scabbard. No one in the room could help being unarmed and the armed guards were too far away to help. Finally, the emperor was either told or realized he could put the scabbard over his back instead of at his hip and draw the sword over his shoulder. The assassin, knowing his time was up, threw the dagger, but missed. The sword came out and the emperor lived to conquer another province.

2. Idi Amin. I almost put Pol Pot in this spot. If I'd done a top six, I would have put him in the 3 spot and moved the current 3, 4, and 5 down a notch, but for small state bloody dictators, Idi Amin can't be beat. He's a real inspiration to all poor boys dreaming of one day terrorizing a nation. His father abandoned the family when Amin was young and Amin eventually ended up in the colonial army as an assistant cook. Through his bravery and hard work, he eventually rose to being the highest ranked Ugandan in the British Army. When the British pulled out, this left Amin as one of the most powerful military men in his home country. He eventually rose to be in charge of the entire military of Uganda. Finding out that Prime Minister Milton Obote was planning on arresting him for misappropriating military funds, Amin took over the country in a coup. After that, Amin pretty much went crazy and may have even suffered from schizophrenia. He kicked out the Asians which screwed up the economy since it relied so heavily on businesses owned by Indians who'd moved in during British rule. Cleansing his army of Obote supporters he actually had enough bodies dumped into the Nile River to clog the Owen Falls Hydro-Electric Dam. Towards the end he even declared himself the Conqueror of Britain. What makes him even more fun is the rumors that built up around him, especially that of his being a cannibal. While likely not true, it is really cool. And Forest Whittaker did a really amazing job portraying him in The Last King of Scotland. All Pol Pot really had going for him is being the refrain at the end of Holiday in Cambodia.

1. Kim Jong-il. This dude is a dork, and yet he actually made the US afraid of him enough to not really do anything about his trying to gain nuclear capability when Saddam got rolled for being accused of the same thing. Well part of it was that they knew Saddam didn't have nuclear capability and therefore wouldn't actually use the things on us when we attacked. Plus, Saddam came up first and we already overstretched our resources between Afghanistan (the legitimate military action) and Iraq (the forced one). Plus, Kim Jong-il is just batshit crazy and was more likely to actually have the things. If we'd invaded he very likely would have used them on our troops. Kim has run his nation into the ground and his people are starving during a multi-year famine. One of the most secretive nations in the world, North Korea apparently even has a family to happily picnic along the bank of a river separating them from China to portray a happy face to the outside world. Also, while Kim Jong-il's people starve, he spends about $700,000 on Hennessy cognac a year, has a 10,000-bottle wine cellar. He's also an aficionado of horror and action films and has a movie collection of over 20,000 titles.

Now, more on his dorkiness. Kim's official biography (the one he approved) claims he has written several operas and is fond of staging elaborate musicals. He also claims to be an expert on the Internet. I mean, if this guy had grown up in a middle class household in the US, he'd have been playing video games and gone to Engineering school and probably wearing a lot of black shirts to his computer programming job and attending Sci-Fi and comic book conventions on the weekend. He kind of reminds me of my second roommate in college. The dude even had a South Korean director kidnapped to start up his country's film industry. Oh, and despite really being born in the USSR during a political trip by his father, he claims to have been born on a North Korean mountain and his birth was foretold by a swallow and marked by the creation of a new star. I'm sorry; you can't beat that for quality dictatorship. Besides, he was a marionette in Team America.