How to Cook Part II

Before I get into the hardcore advice, I’d like to let you know that instead a long post over one dish, today will feature a long post comprised of three much shorter vignettes. I also included illustrations as well. This should help those with special education concerns.

I’d also like to start off with the disclaimer that the preparation tips presented heretofore are intended for eggs deposited by avian species. Please do not try to harvest eggs from your significant other or neighborhood crack whore. While those eggs may be entirely edible, it would be technically cannibalism and should be frowned upon.

And now on to those eggs. I promise that this will be just as long and lame as yesterday's post. However, unlike yesterday's illustration that I just yanked off of these here Internets, the photos that accompany this post are entirely a product of my efforts and of eggs actually laid by my hens.

The first thing to consider in cooking eggs is the matter of freshness. I don’t expect you to work with eggs quite as fresh as what I have access to. For much of the year I can use eggs that are only hours out of the mama bird’s cloaca while you’re probably working with eggs that are a couple of weeks from the farm at best, but fresher is better. The membranes in eggs weaken and degrade the older the egg gets, which can be both a great thing or a bad thing depending on what you’re making. If you’re making fried eggs, you want fresh eggs. If you want boiled eggs, you want older eggs. The membranes make it easier to keep the yokes intact while flipping the fried egg, while fresh eggs tend to stick to the shell when boiled. The reason you never have a problem peeling boiled eggs when the eggs came from a store is because they’re never that fresh. They will be fresh enough to fry if you bought them recently though. Of course you can boil fresh eggs and fry old eggs, but you’ll have less trouble with them if you don’t. The quality of the flavor really won’t change a whole lot unless the eggs are really freaking old and by then the odor will tip you off that they’re less than prime.

For the preparation tips we’ll start with boiled eggs. These really should be called something else because the best way to make them doesn’t really involve boiling them. You can thank Alton Brown for this tip, though. The main problem with boiling eggs is the same with all methods of preparation. Overcooking is just too easy. To avoid this, cover the eggs with water in a pot and then place on the eye of your stove. Place the cover on the pot, but as soon as the water comes to a boil, turn off the heat. Yes, I said turn off the heat. The eggs aren’t done yet, but they do not need additional heat. Leave the pot covered for 15 minutes. When the timer goes off, you’ll notice that the whites aren’t so rubbery, the outside of the yolk hasn’t turned that blackish green color and its texture is more creamy than dry and choking. Try this. I’m not kidding. It totally works. Like totally.

Next comes the fried egg. There’s really nothing special to this. I lightly butter the pan just like I did with the grilled cheese sandwich, but instead of keeping the heat low, I turn it all the way up. Depending on the BTUs your stove puts out, medium high may be high enough, but most stoves are probably best cranked up to high. If the egg is fresh, you’ll notice that the yolk looks like a slightly squashed sphere that’s sitting on top of the albumen (the whites, you dolt). It’ll be quite perky, actually. If not, it’ll settle into the whites and be kind of flat looking. Quickly sprinkle with salt and pepper to taste. You can wait on this until the plate, but it works a little better here. As soon as the white is solid enough to hold together, flip it. Don’t wait any longer or it goes rubbery. As soon as you flip, go get the plate and then scoop the egg out. Eggs cook quickly, and this will have a runny yolk, but you really don’t want the yolk to get firm in fried eggs. If you like firm yolks, just boil the damn thing. The best way to serve this is two fried eggs over a bed of freshly cooked grits, chopped up and mixed up with salt and pepper to taste. Actually, for me, it’s the only way to eat fried eggs. I avoid them unless I have grits to mix them with and I avoid grits unless I have fried eggs to mix them with. And as always, bacon is a great side dish for this. Just avoid the overcooking pratfall.

My real specialty when it comes to eggs is scrambling them, although some may claim that I fertilize them pretty well, too. Ba dum dum Tsshhh. K loves my scrambled eggs and it’s pretty much the only thing that she requests that I cook for her instead of just making them herself (although I picked up most of the techniques from her). I actually mix a dash milk in with my eggs, but this isn’t necessary. It lightens the eggs a bit, but it’s a matter of preference in this. If you like them a little more dense, leave the milk out. If you like them a little fluffier, put the milk in. But when I say a dash, I mean a dash. Maybe a couple of tablespoons at most. I tend to measure this by eye so I honestly can’t help you with exact measurements on this. Use too much milk and you’ll end up with a lot of water in the pan. Not good. The key to scrambling before going to the heat is aerating the eggs. I don’t bother with a whisk. A fork is perfectly good for this. Rotating your wrist rapidly, scoop down to the bottom of the bowl with the tines of the fork and then up to the surface. This mixes up the yolk and albumen and works air into the mix. This fluffs up the eggs as well as the air comes out of suspension during the heating process leaving behind a fluffier scrambled egg. It’s the same general principle as how yeast and chemical leavening creates permanent bubbles in the final bread. After whisking with the fork, dump all of this directly into the heated, buttered pan, once again on high. If you have to wait for the pan to heat, give it a good beating just prior to dumping the bowl into the pan to re-aerate, but it’s best to just turn the heat on before you start whisking. Now comes the part you can’t slack on. If you want the chopped up look of classic scrambled eggs, mix with a plastic spatula constantly until done. I actually end up with something closer to a omelette sans cheese. I let it cook a little spread out over the pan and then start folding. The mix still runs because I don’t wait for it to cook through before folding so I end up with something misshapen, but more or less in one piece. The key is to remove from the pan while it still looks a little runny. The remaining runny parts will solidify on the plate from carryover heat. You don’t want a soup in the pan, but you do want to still see shiny wet sections mixed in with the dull cooked sections. If you resist the temptation to cook the poor eggs to death, you’ll end up with a tender, moist finished product instead of the rubbery, dry stuff most people associate with Shoney’s breakfast buffets.

I honestly have no idea what the next post will be or if it’ll even be about cooking. I just know that this is three down, 353 to go.