Friday, February 08, 2008

10 Things You'll Hate About Me

I thought I should come up with something a little more lighthearted than usual given my recent spate of posts that are either just formalities keeping me in line with the tenets of Blog 365 or rather malice-filled, even if the anti-Spring rant was intended to be a bit tongue-in-cheek. So, to make things a little easier on my readers, here's my list of 10 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Me Unless You're Hiding in My Bushes.

1. I don't like wearing pants. This actually may be the root of my misanthropy, actually, because I'm not able to walk around without pants if there are other people around. That's right, being around people, even people I like, requires me to wear pants, and thus, you're getting on my nerves without even trying. The only way to relax, in my opinion is to lay around with no pants on. If you're wearing pants, you might as well be working. If you ever come to my house and have to wait for me to answer the door, it's probably because I had to go find some pants to put on first. This is also why I don't like living within the range of visibility of my neighbors. Viva la pantslessness!

2. Despite my dislike of pantaloons, I refuse to take off my shirt with the exception of only a couple of activities, one of which is quite fun and the other more or less a necessity, but not all that entertaining. If you aren't my wife and didn't know me from my swim team days that ended when I was 12 or so, you've never seen what's under my shirt and you never will. This may be because I have incredibly sexy legs, but a decidedly less-than-svelte upper body.

3. I literally hide nothing from my wife except the occasional snack purchase and certain aspects of the human solid waste evacuation process. Maybe I'm worried that she'll be able to tell that I snuck a Hershey's Special Dark Bar last night when I went to the store to pick up her antibiotic prescription last night by inspecting my poo.

4. I suck at lying. My only reliable method of subterfuge is avoidance. If the topic doesn't come up, I won't bring it up, but if you corner me with a direct question, it's very rare that I won't tell the truth, even if it really hurts. I'm probably one of the most honest people you'll ever meet. It's probably why I sucked so badly at gambling as a youth that I never developed an interest in it. Or it could be that I'm averse to risk and would rather eat the rewards of my cash than to give it away for free.

5. I over-steeped my tea today and it's pissing me off.

6. I'm thinking about getting a summer job with Medovina in Colorado this summer to learn the art of beekeeping and get some tips to improve my mead making. My sister has met the owner a couple of times when picking up orders for me and from what she says, I think I might be able to pull this off. I think it'd be a fun vacation, especially if I could pull a paycheck out of it. If not, I think I could manage spending a couple of weeks in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains covered in bees this summer.

7. If I were gay, I think I'd have a crush on Conan O'Brien.

8. Ever since Mickey did the post about his brushes with seven famous people, I've had this nagging thought about some famous person I got excited about seeing, but who was someone that only I would have gotten excited about. I can't even think what this person was even famous for, but I've tried to figure it out every day for a month now.

9. I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl who looked good; I would call her. I wish I had a rabbit in a hat, and a bat, and a 6.4 Impala. Yeah, Skee-Lo rocked.

10. When I accused Severo of having played the Super Nintendo version of Super Mario Kart while jumping his kart to the beguiling rhythms of "Jump" by Kris Kross, it was actually me who did that. I always sucked at video games and Hank always spent a lot more time playing than I did, so he'd always be so far ahead of me that I'd end up driving the wrong way on purpose, jumping my kart to the music and trying to sabotage either him or his brother by running into them. Severo is still a damn, dirty liar, although, if he declares Gay Jewish Mayan Baconista Jihad on Mickey, I'll be happy to take up the good fight even if I'm not gay, Jewish, or Mayan. I do dig the bacon, though. We could call ourselves Los Hermanos en el Tocino, disguise ourselves as little babushkas and wait along Mickey's path to work and pelt him with congealed masses of rendered bacon fat.

I'd probably make a really hot old Russian lady and Mickey would want to make out with me though, so that might not work.


Julie said...

1. Do you and Courtney get together and come up with funny little phrases with the sole purpose of amusing me? Because today I've learned both "flying fuckleberry" and "viva la pantslessness." I'm still giggling.

3. Error of omission. You previously stated that you refuse to talk to her about work. Given you're there for about eight hours a day, I'm guessing there's a lot you don't tell her.

8. Placebo.

Courtney said...

I always thought it was "I wish I had a girl in the hood, I would call her." I could be wrong, though. I'm no Skee-Lo expert.

Mickey said...

What did I do that I'm now so goddamn popular? Really, guys, my ego does not need this kind of attention.

Number 4 is absolutely true, and it's why we love you. See, I go and compliment you after you declare jihad on me. What's wrong with me?

Em said...

Great post. I swing by once or twice a week and enjoy myself. Keep meeting your challenge!

Chris said...

You and Conan would make a cute couple.

Actually, I'm lying. You'd make a scary-looking couple. But I can relate to your would-be man crush for him. I don't think I could ever find him attractive, but we could be good pals, I think. He'd be a lot of fun to hang out with.

Funny post.

Meaghan said...

I really like this post! And yeah, you and Conan WOULD be cute together!