Tuesday, February 10, 2009

This Man Is Not Actually Homeless

In reality, he's Kyp Malone, a member of the critically acclaimed band, TV on the Radio, but damn if that isn't a ridiculously luxurious beard. I'd be willing to take a nap in it. Anyway, I've got his band's latest album on my MP3 player and I digs it. I really do. I have to in order to keep my music hipster cred, but I saw them on Saturday Night Live last week and holy brother of god did they suck. I haven't seen a band tank that badly live since I saw the Smashing Pumpkins play a live spot on TV back in high school.

Perhaps to make up for their shitty SNL performance on Saturday, the band played on the Colbert Report last night and did a much better job. Plus, the woman who plays the baritone sax was wearing a short dress and long boots, perhaps the sexiest combination a woman can wear outside of total nudity. (Or perhaps nothing but a bow tie and vintage gym shoes.) And (because I like starting sentences with and) she plays the bari sax. I played the bari sax and I was freaking good at it. In fact, if I'd ever practiced the damn thing I could have really gone somewhere with it. Perhaps it could have been me playing the Colbert Report while wearing a short skirt and long boots. I've got the legs for it, anyway. Sometimes I get pissed off at myself for being such a damn underachiever, but that's why I drink. It makes me forget the pain and think about greasy food stuffs instead.

But getting back to bari sax lady. You play bari sax while wearing a hot outfit. I could probably still play bari sax if I could afford to buy one and would look good in the same outfit. We should have sex. Seriously, if you're out there reading this while on tour with the band, look me up and give me a call. We should bump uglies sometime.

This really turned into a bigger post than I had intended. That beard is fucking inspirational.


Julie said...

That makes me feel a little better. I'd read about them before and then when I saw SNL I was wondering what is the dealio? Now it seems it wasn't just me and that makes me feel better. Perhaps I will give them a go. FYI - I listened to the video. I did not want to watch it for fear I would be able to visualize you bumping uglies with the bari sax player.

Courtney said...

Wow. Remind me not to let Mickey grow his beard any longer, lest you rape him on one of your backpacking trips.

I totally know what performance you're talking about with the Smashing Pumpkins. I think it was our freshman year in high school. I remember liking the band before I saw that, and it sucked so bad that I haven't liked them since.

I did, however, enjoy their guest stint on The Simpsons: "Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins." "Homer Simpson, smiling politely."

Mickey said...

You had some really good sentences in this post. Bumper sticker type stuff. I'd copy and paste them, but you know what they are.

And dude- if you ever run into that sax-playing chick, don't call it the bari sax. Total turn off.

Jacob said...

Mickey, seriously? You'd rather I walk around referring to it as the "baritone saxophone". I've honestly never heard anyone with any formal experience with saxophones to refer to it as anything other than "bari sax." I think the unsexiness you feel may come from a mispronunciation. The sax is already sexy and "bari" should be pronounced like "Barry" as in "Barry White." The bari sax is sex in metallic form.

And I can't just say say saxophone. You might mistake my intentions for the alto sax, which is horribly inferior to it's more curvacious and bulky sibling. Without the specific image of the giant saxophone, that post is incomplete.

Courtney said...


sid said...

Never heard of the band. Never knew you played the bari sax. What I do know is that I am sooo investing in a pair of hooker boots and a short skirt. I have the legs to pull it off too.