Friday, November 20, 2009

Please Make Sure Your Camo Matches

I believe that abortion should not only be legal, but it should be mandatory for people I don't like. If I don't approve of your existence, you shouldn't die, but you should not be allowed to reproduce. I'd be like China except I'd have a no-child policy and I wouldn't force you to farm my fields. I would also not be Chinese. I realize this makes me sound a bit like a Nazi, except that I actually wouldn't put this into practice if I were to find myself in position to make it real. I just know that the world would be better off if I were both evil and powerful enough to make it work.

Also, there wouldn't be any racial or socioeconomic standards by which I'd make my decision. I would go by the dick factor. If you are a dick (male or female) you don't get to have kids. If you conceive with a dick (metaphorically speaking), you don't get to have kids. I'm pretty sure I'd empty the McMansion subdivisions of children just as thoroughly as I would the projects.

Would this make me evil? Yes. Would this make me quite possibly the worst dictator in the history of the planet? Maybe. It really depends on your definition of human life. Pro-choice types would have to rank me well after the likes of Hitler, Stalin, Mao, and Pol Pot simply because I'm not executing any breathing human beings. Pro-life types would be able to justify my ranking up there with Mao. I'd eventually get around to just sterilizing the dicks, lessening the need for abortions, but this wouldn't happen overnight and there's always that person you thought was cool until you found out who they really were.

Still, any of those people I judged worthy of breeding would be better off because of it no much how they protested. They wouldn't want to admit it, but when the last turd bucket in the world died off of old age, the rest of you would have much happier lives. Sure, I'd have sacrificed my soul for your happiness, but it would be worth it to know as I burn for eternity that you suckers don't have to deal with jerks.

Oh, and for the kid I saw walking down the hall today: Wearing three different varieties of camouflage is enough of a fashion faux pas that I would likely retroactively abort you for the clashing patterns. Besides, you walk around all the time arcing your gut out in front of you like you're proud of it. You should never be proud of a protruding gut. You should be like me, ashamed and self-conscious but without enough self-discipline to do anything about it.

Just remember, I'm sitting here, quietly, judging you.


Theresa B (of Nebulopathy) said...

I would totally second your nomination for evil dictator.

And I laughed out loud when I read the penultimate paragraph. Truth stings.

Jacob said...

You're taking a very risky leap of faith there Theresa B (of Nebulopathy). How can you be so sure that my definition and perception of a dick matches yours?

And I think it's safe to assume that I don't consider myself a dick. I'm not going to abort my adorable two-year-old no matter how much others may dislike me.

Theresa B (of Nebulopathy) said...

Trust me, by the time I finish the one hour drive home on Friday nights, I'd be willing to agree that everyone ought to be gone. Possibly including myself.

Not a big fan of children in general, but I'm willing to admit there needs to be at least some... and since yours lives far away, he can stay. (There, doesn't it feel great to bask in my approval?)

courtney said...

I wholeheartedly agree that dicks should not procreate. Neither should stupid people.

Julie said...

Are we talking green camo, orange camo and sand camo or just three different shades of green? Because three different shades of green could be useful - if your student were a sniper in the jungle.

Chris said...

It sure does seem as if the process of natural selection has run off the rails among the modern human race. That guy with the three shades of camo... just imagine how many girls he would happily get pregnant without ever giving a second thought to the consequences.