Thursday, November 19, 2009

Rockin' the iPood

Heh. I write a post about how good the Atlanta Hawks are looking this year and they go out last night and put up a win that earns them the ESPN SportsCenter Highlight of the Night. Seriously, watch that video. Josh Smith stuffs a pass and then manages to get down court before all but one Miami Heat player to take the pass from Mike Bibby for a slam. Smith is Atlanta's big guy. Like Shaq, he can't even shoot free throws. Those guys don't sprint down the court on breakaways. Thanks Hawks for making me look awesome.

Getting back to the actual topic of today's post, I'm probably going to have to poop in the woods sometime next week. This is the main thing I hate about backpacking. (Other than trying to fall asleep after having to scare off a full-grown black bear during supper. Oh, and the trail to Panther Creek Falls. I hate that.) I don't have a very good relationship with the solid half of my body's waste disposal system. I'm profoundly disturbed by the fact that I have to do that at all, but I especially don't like having to take a dump in a public restroom for many obvious reasons. I prefer to try to only go while at home, face safely hidden behind a National Geographic magazine. During hiking, the issue is even worse. First, there's the thing about having to dig a hole. Then, you have to hope you're aiming correctly. Don't want to get any on your shoes! Worse, all of this has to be done without a magazine. How crude!

This is where the title comes in. There really is a product called an iPood and I actually own one. I didn't pay that much for mine, but it's really a pretty nice product. The handle is hollow so you can store toilet paper. It's super light for its size and strength, and it collapses so it doesn't take up a lot of space in the pack. It would probably work better if the end of the blade was more pointed, but that's a minor complaint.

Still, that doesn't make pooping in the woods any less stressful for me. Surprisingly, there are no cubicles out on the trail, and trees only block the view of others in one direction. Plus, I once had to drop trou in near freezing rain without anything (even a stick) strong enough to dig a hole in the stony ground of the mountains. My cheeks are still a little chapped from that experience and that was nearly a year ago.

Of course, pooping in the woods isn't all bad. It did make for entertaining conversation between my wife and me the first time we went out for an overnight hike together. I won't disturb you with the entire conversation, but suffice it to say that the phrases "concentric circles" and "poo waddle" became inside jokes for us as a couple.

Finally, if you ever feel the desire to defecate in the wilderness, and I'm sure you will, go to Florida. Florida actually has wilderness; you just have to know where to go. The first reason you should do this in Florida is that the entire state is made out of sand. Sand makes digging holes very easy. Many states have rocks in their soil and these rocks make digging with a small spade pretty difficult. You can dig in Florida with your hands if you have to. You could even just blow on the ground really hard if you're worried about getting your hands dirty. The other reason to do this in Florida is that Florida sucks.


courtney said...

Well, you might as well tell us the whole conversation you and K had on the trail, because it can't be much more disturbing than this post. Poo waddle, however, makes me giggle.

Jacob said...

Poo waddle was K's contribution, if I remember correctly. In fact, most of that conversation was K driven.

And seriously, I wrote an entire post about pooping without ever once getting graphic. That post wasn't even close to be as traumatic as I could have made it. Believe me.

And I'll save the back story about the poo waddle story. I'm not even sure I could recapture the tear and car swerving hilarity of that conversation anymore. Just remember that most of the weird parts came from her side of the car.

Sid said...

Ha. When I saw the title of this post I thought you'd be talking about music. Anyway, I once walked in on a guy taking a poo on the toilet. He was startled to say the least.

Julie said...

I was alternately amused and grossed out by today's post.

Jacob said...

That's the beauty of human solid waste, Julie. It's both revolting and comically captivating for most people.

Chris said...

Just took a good poop myself. In my toilet, not the woods.

What? We were talking about poop, right?