Thursday, May 13, 2010

I'm Quite Happy Burning Flies

Photo: AndYaDontStop, Flickr Creative Commons

One of the few things I'm good at, truly good at, is killing houseflies with a rubber band. I can do this from some distance. In fact, today our house had a mild infestation, probably the result of a collision of unfortunate factors. First, most of the fish in the pond behind our house died suddenly over the weekend. This isn't really that big of a deal as I don't like the idea of eating fish out of a pond that drains a cotton field, and the vultures, herons, and fire ants made quick work of the few hundred fish that went belly up. The second factor was that work began on our bathroom remodel today and those guys apparently spent a lot of time hauling crap out of the master bath that they ripped down to the studs. The flies, disappointed at the lack of rotting fish, decided to come in and case the joint.

I spent about thirty minutes this afternoon stalking from room to room, sneaking up slowly on each victim, and taking aim. Rubberized death rained down upon them. Flies fell like black snow from the walls, ceilings and kitchen fixtures.

As I write this now, a fly is circling my head, a lonely survivor, taunting me. Lucky for me, flies are stupid and he doesn't realize that I've been going all Chairman Mao on his peers. He has no fear, but he will soon die. He's chosen to fuck with the wrong guy with a rubber band. Ask not for whom the latex snaps. It snaps for thee.


Chris said...

Huh, and yet you won't kill spiders in your house -- as per your May 3 post, in which you joked about cutting off your wife's face to use as a hat.

You're a strange man, Jacob. But that's why we like you. Nice Hemingway reference, btw.

Jacob said...

It's probably because spiders don't go out of their way to fly around my held and then walk on and vomit in my food.

It's also because I've never claimed to be ethically consistent.

Courtney said...

Those last two sentences made me laugh out loud. So is it the pink bathroom that's getting remodeled, or the other one?

Jacob said...

Both. We couldn't use the shower in the master bath because it needed to be redone so it's being done first. The pink tile gets taken out when the master is finished.

This also means we can't use our own bedroom until the master is finished because the master bath is too small so they can't seal it off while they work. It's a dusty mess right now.

We do have a pink toilet in our front yard right now. They hid it from public view behind that giant overgrown holly tree, but they didn't carry it off yesterday. So far, I'm happy with the contractor and his work. I need to ask if he's getting the new not-pink toilet or if we need to get it for him to install.

Mickey said...

Strong finish. I like it.

You would enjoy working at a park entrance station- lots of idle hours in an enclosed space with a menagerie of flying insects and an inexhaustible supply of rubber bands.

Julie said...

That is an unusual skill. I have to use a dish towel to kill flies. Towels are much more forgiving about accuracy than rubberbands. I have some of the big ones if you want. Remind me next time you're in town.

Congratulations on the bathrom remodel. Once completed, it will undoubtedly make your day to day life happier