The Reason I'll Never Be President

Like any good American male, I've entertained thoughts of what it would be like to be one of the presidents of the United States of America (and by that I don't mean playing in a novelty rock band). I've got a few things going for me. I'm tall, 6'3", which, despite not being the sure thing that urban legend has it as being, gives me a good chance over most candidates. If I were in Denmark, I'd only be slightly above average height, but I'm in America where good health care isn't universal and our diet typically sucks. Another advantage is that my head is a bit on the oversized side. Look at past presidents. All of them seemed to have bigger than average heads (although Kerry, the human bobblehead, didn't do so well, but I blame his complete lack of personality for his loss.) I also stumble over words and blank on words I actually know which would give me a hint of the lovable loser like GW, which American voters so obviously love. Finally, I also possess a deeper than average intelligence which would keep those smartypants wussies happy and less likely to jump on my back for my lack of public speaking skills.

I do have one huge limitation in my political aspirations, however. It's not my left-of-center political views. I've got enough libertarian beliefs to balance out my green tendencies to keep me from seeming too scary. It's not any lurking sex scandal. I don't even have a sexual history prior to my wife and I'm not suave enough to have an affair even if I wanted to, which I don't. It's not even youthful indiscretions. I've lamented the complete lack of excitement in my life in the past. There's no wild partying, no DUI's, no resisting arrest. I'm pretty much a saint in that area. I'm even confident that my lack of religious faith wouldn't hurt me. Even largely secular presidents have made a big deal out of their faith in the past, but I think I could talk my way out of that. I have trouble lying, so I can't just assume I'd be able to pretend.

No, my big political weakness is that I'm soft on romantic comedies. I'll admit that I'm as critical of the ones that were obviously just manufactured for date night ticket sales, but there are a good many that really are worthwhile light watching, in my illustrious opinion (modesty isn't really a presidential virtue). Sure, I hated Sweet Home Alabama and a lot of the other standard fare, but I actually enjoyed films like The Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates, and Keeping the Faith. Shucks, I even enjoyed The Truth about Cats and Dogs, and it wasn't entirely because of my preternatural admiration for the physical charms of Janeane Garofalo.

First, movies like The Wedding Singer and 50 First Dates were genuinely funny (The Wedding Singer noticeably more so than 50 First Dates, but I enjoyed both). Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler are actually a really good screen couple. They play well off of each other. Sure they're not going to make my, or any, lists of top films, nor should they be taken as serious examples of the art. However, they don't really deserve the ire typically reserved for the genre as a whole. They're cheesy, but enjoyable entertainment. Keeping the Faith actually takes it one step further by making its story more about the friendship between the two male characters (the priest and the rabbi) than the love story between the Rabbi and the businesswoman. They even manage to refrain from resting on the laurels of the humorous premise (a Catholic priest and a rabbi fighting for the love of the same woman) and keep this from falling completely into the land of phoned-in cheese. It's actually very good that I enjoyed this movie because every single time it's aired on cable K tunes in and watches. I've seen this movie at least twenty times in parts and whole (or at least it seems like it). If there was even a small distaste for this movie, I would beaten K to death with my computer plug by now. Luckily for both of it, I still like the movie, I just won't go out of my way to watch it. The only movie I've seen more is Sister Act when my sister went through a phase of watching this nearly every day when we were kids. I was about ready to bludgeon her to death by the time she grew out of the phase.

Now, in my shame, I feel it necessary to point out that I'm not a complete schmuck with no taste in cinema. Please skim over these two posts of some of my actual favorite films so I can keep at least a shred of the credibility I had before this post.

And so with regret for what could have been and for the pain I've caused my supporters and family, I respectfully withdraw my candidacy for President of the United States of America.

And now a classic music video from the Presidents themselves.